when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
what’s the point then??
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger