CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them