[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
You Might Also Like
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Great acting.. 😂