@SortaBad: by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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@MandaPandaXo4: I’d like to think I’d survive an apocalypse but honestly 6 minutes and 52 seconds on the elliptical just made me wanna quit living so probably not.
@junejuly12: Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper. It’s that simple.
@robfee: I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team
@Fred_Delicious: "Hi yes I'd like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge" "Very good sir" [ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]