I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I don’t have daddy issues.
I have *father* issues.
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”
Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.