@SortaBad: by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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@theroneman: Clyde: I'm looking 4 a partner. What's ur name? "Bonnie" C: That ur real name? "Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker" C: ...Bonnie it is
@5hael: My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
@c12h22o11balls: Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?