@SortaBad

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

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@XplodingUnicorn

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

@Breadery

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

@NoogsCorner

When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.

@aveuaskew

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

@fro_vo

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

@Ilikerockme

I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.

@candace_9871

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@SuadShamma

“The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That is Cole’s Law.”

@mishakey

Him: Get on my level.
Me: You’re a gamer?
Him: ….
Me: ….
Him: You need to get out more.
Me: *mumbles* Your face needs to get out more.