By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
any last words?
<- sleeps well with others
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.