[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
sry
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
cats when you pet them too long:
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.