No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?