If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
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me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
That’s amazing.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*