BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Me: Goodnight, son.
Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours