By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

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BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*


12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.


Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.


The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds


National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.


My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.


The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.


DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome


blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend


Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours