@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

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@KalvinMacleod

BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

@TheMichaelRock

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@vineyille

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

@SteveSuckington

National product once got caught picking his nose and eating it thus forever being known as gross national product.

@crystaltitties

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

@Cycloptomese

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

@House_Feminist

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

@thedad

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours