Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
This guy’s not having it 😆
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration