@TheAlexNevil

By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.

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@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@SondraDeeMe

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

@HeyZeus666

With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.

@HatfieldAnne

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

@TheRolo

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

@CrockettForReal

[first day as a serial killer]

Victim: you ok?

Me: there’s just so much blood