I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3
*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[first day as a serial killer]
Victim: you ok?
Me: there’s just so much blood
doing some research