*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
That lamp looks PISSED.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger