By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Friday night party time 🥳
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]