By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table

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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.


Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project


The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.


Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt


Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.


My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.


To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …


So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.


My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”