Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot