By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.