By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
BaD BoY!!
Its true…
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.