@NYC_Blonde

By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.

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@MableGertrude

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

@mrjohndarby

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

@sweet_pea707

Me: Did you hear what I just said?

Him: Yes

Me: What did I say?

Him: Did you hear what I just said

@joshxhowie

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

@squirrel74wkgn

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

@DaddyJew

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

@iwearaonesie

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

@jonnycarr1974

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*