Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.
By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
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me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Me: What did I say?
Him: Did you hear what I just said
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*