Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I’m not stressed
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all