By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

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I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.


The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”


ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely


Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.


You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?


You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd


Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…