@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

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@loudmouth_usa

I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics

@ArtfulNight

In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@faizziy

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

@nettie0918

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that

@kiel_phillips

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.