I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…