By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

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I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics


In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.


mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth


I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..


That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.


Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that


*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.


If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.