I read that if you have 2 hangovers a year you are an alcoholic so I’m around 104 alcoholics
By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”
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In hell no one is allowed to get divorced and you have to go on a lot of family cruises.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave
*gets email that sports practices start next week*
Me: not like that
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
occupation: the family disappointment
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.