Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
wtf is an acronym
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.