By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
That’s what I call a flat tire
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.