By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
john wicks are toilet candles
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*