@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

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@msgwenl

The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.

“You ate the whole ba-”

THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

@sarawrencomedy

PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!

WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.

ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”

@Swishergirl24

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

@KalvinMacleod

Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@adamgreattweet

2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

@ThugRaccoons

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…