By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Important reminders
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex