By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

You Might Also Like


The thing about eating broken cookies is there’s no way to know how many you had.

“You ate the whole ba-”



I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?


PARENTS: Never accept treats from strangers!

WEBSITE: Please accept our tracking cookies.

ME: *clicks* “I accept your cookies”


I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.


Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.


Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life


2020 would be infinitely better if KFC started selling mashed potatoes in buckets


My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”


Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…