@RachelNoise

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

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@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@QwertyJones3

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

@SkinnerSteven

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

@Home_Halfway

“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
Texas
“Your wife’s name”
Heidi
“Your first zodiac murder”
1968
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t