By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You Might Also Like
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Dear Lord..
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
dude it’s called proctologist
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.