By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.


Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.


Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before


“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”


You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you


“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT


I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t