Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“