Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Today TO DO list:
1) vacuum huge spider in living room??
3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??
4)buy new spiderless vacuum
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”