By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.

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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!


My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


Today TO DO list:

1) vacuum huge spider in living room??

2) panic??

3)throw vacuum cleaner outside??

4)buy new spiderless vacuum


Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks


Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh





Me: yep


Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now


“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.


My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.


me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”