He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
#MeanwhileinCanada
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.