by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough