@McGrumpenstein

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

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@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

@imence2

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.

@Matt_the_1st

Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.

@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.

@BuckyIsotope

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5