Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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Check your privilege
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Meow
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash