I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.