(by @ZachWeiner )
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Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
A bold strategy
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night