@EricBedner

“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”

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@DillDoes

*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
WOAH
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@cellapaz

I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@CandymanTimTam

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

@flashember

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]