“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”

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*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*


Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.


I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.


I’m glad Netflix added Unsolved Mysteries. I’ve already watched Forensic Files a few times and I need some fresh new alibis.


[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”


Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in


COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]