We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away