Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I hate my earbuds.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
As the best book lists of 2021 drop