C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.