@SeanInCypress
I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
@RedRegenerated
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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@SeanInCypress
@MomOnFire
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
@Darlainky
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
@theSwellMan
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
@noneofyours99
*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*
Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers
“You look fine now”
@daemonic3
2nd WOMAN ON EARTH: I’m thinking of getting my belly button pierced
EVE: your what?
@kibblesmith
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
@Smooheed
About to start selling my new weight loss program
For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again
@SarcasticAlly12
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
@MarfSalvador
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house