@RedRegenerated

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

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@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

@SloanPerry

when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom

@Home_Halfway

The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@Alex_Houseof308

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

@DJRotaryRachel

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

@

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@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

@meaculpau27

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

@ArfMeasures

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on