“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
I wore a mask to run errands today
Accidentally robbed a bank
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on