cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

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I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.


Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-



My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.


Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.


*Uses finger to wipe dirt off your face*

Accidentally makes it dirtier with my Cheetos fingers

“You look fine now”


2nd WOMAN ON EARTH: I’m thinking of getting my belly button pierced

EVE: your what?


Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.


About to start selling my new weight loss program

For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house