Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.