@RedRegenerated

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

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@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@theycallmeivy20

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

@leftarmisme

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@Manali_Shetye5

{Stalker Diary}
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.