@LitSpud
@itsnashflynn
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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@itsnashflynn
@khabubu_phathu
A meeting without food should be an email.
@MaraWilson
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
@weinerdog4life
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@asimplesean
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
@ADHDeanASL
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
@CptBombs75
Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves
@the_gramble
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
@SarahcasticMom
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
@DrakeGatsby
Kurt Cobain: I feel stupid
Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself
Kurt Cobain: And contagious
Me: What the fuck man why aren’t you at home