@LitSpud

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

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@itsnashflynn

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

@MaraWilson

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@ADHDeanASL

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@the_gramble

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

@DrakeGatsby

Kurt Cobain: I feel stupid

Me: Don’t be so hard on yourself

Kurt Cobain: And contagious

Me: What the fuck man why aren’t you at home