cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still