[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Just me?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?