Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.