[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
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If my wife ever leaves me, I’m going with her.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
What do we want?
When do we want em?
You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
These people act like they’re never seen a naked store mannequin, holding a wine glass, sitting on someone’s front porch before.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.