@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

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@dumbbeezie

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

@NewDadNotes

Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

@CornOnTheGoblin

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@MyHairyLife

Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.

@matt___nelson

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

@_whatwhatwhat_

gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs

@david8hughes

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti