@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

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@jonnysun

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@karanbirtinna

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.