*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance


Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no


Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.


Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.


[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”


gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs


gf’s dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs


Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti