You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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dream blunt rotation
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet