Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it鈥檚 between 8am and 12pm.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My 8yo isn鈥檛 concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She鈥檚 never even been been camping.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don鈥檛 tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
He just like my cat fr
馃槀
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we鈥檙e rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I鈥檒l take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.