Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

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Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.


CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.

Me: I don’t rake.

CW: Leaves will kill your grass!

Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.


Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.


Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.


I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”


Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.