Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.