I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?
If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
* having me let go will cost $10
[God creates walking]
[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope