Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

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love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it’s a largemouth bass


Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!


If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.


Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”


Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.


[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope