@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

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@3sunzzz

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.

@roxiqt

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

@CatherineLMK

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@julie2288

Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me