armadillos should sound like accordions when they run
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Toddlers are the only life form that can exist entirely on their own snot, one goldfish cracker, and half a chicken nugget a day.
My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me