Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“our sushi is very fresh”
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??