Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
that wasn’t the question
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.