“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache