“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
damn he’s good
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude