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@TheAlexNevil: Cake: Hi
Me (fall to my knees, crying): Please...not again
@meatyocre: to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
@jergarl: Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.
I know that now.
@JoshuaFlail: My Pops told me that you can't go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@FrazzleMyGimp: ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?