[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
If looks could kill
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear