Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
True freaking story!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.