[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut