calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
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If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.