@funflaps

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

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@JediGigi

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

@Tryptofantastic

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

@2tickytacky

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

@TheAlexNevil

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

@arcadeseals

[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius

@DanOverHere

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

@ShortWhiteNUgly

An 8 yr old boy was screaming at the grocery store because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar. So I bought one and ate it in front of him.

@TheDoorTHEDOOR

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

@jrhennessy

Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal