call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

You Might Also Like


The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.


Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.


Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.


Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*


Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.


When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.


Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]


I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.