call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You Might Also Like
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
True freaking story!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?