The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!
Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?
Me: I’m getting a new Mom.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.