@ch000ch

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

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@Pat_Bren

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@TheMichaelRock

Mom: You should come camping with us! It’s only $100!

Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: I’m getting a new Mom.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@Sassafrantz

Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.

@BruceForce

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@wilw

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.